Grief...

Or Something Like It.

Photo by Christopher Bill on Unsplash

It took me two weeks to write this. I am still working my thoughts around grief and grieving the life you thought you would have and welcoming in the life you are actually living.

I spoke with friends about this, my therapist, and even my mom. TikTok even started showing me things on it’s feed about it. Sidenote: It’s strange how these apps listen to you and send you things back that you spoke about earlier.

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My thirties have not been the flirty, fun, self-assured years I thought they would be. I am almost 40. I have one year of my thirties left, with my next birthday in January. Furthermore, I have been doing some soul-searching the past few years. After sacrificing my career, love life, and my own self to take care of three sick and elderly adults… I am tired. I don’t regret being a caregiver, but sacrifices were made, and now I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life.

Not only have I had to work through the trauma of my younger years, but I have had to heal burnout and grieve the life I thought I would once have. I have to make peace with my shame, guilt, and feelings about what is gone and what could be. It brings me very real stress and anxiety.

Maybe it is the times we are living in or the age of my peer group, but my friends in their 30s and 40s are feeling the same way. The sheer sense of loss and heartbreak we feel for our lives and experiences is truly something to behold. So many people are really just going through it.

A few weeks ago I wrote on my Stack about having hope during these crazy, weird times. I still stand by that. I am not trying to have some kind of toxic positivity, but I feel like it’s something that we all need to hold onto. Seasons come and seasons go. Things are going to get crazier and weirder, but we have to have the strength to get through this.

The recent astrological transits through Scorpio have cleansed and purged me straight through my first house. They have been dancing on my ascendant along with Pluto dancing on my Aquarius Sun. I am going through a realization process, a metamorphosis. As I grieve my former life and move forward through these interesting times, I feel like a different person.

I have balled my eyes out. Cried rivers and streams. The gratitude I feel for my therapist for working with me and helping me to make sense of my thoughts has been immense. Shout out to whoever created The Feelings Wheel. Turns out, the feelings that I’m feeling are way deeper than I could ever imagine. Learning that what I feel is more than one emotion has helped me get to the root of so much.

I am proud of me because I have been working on my mental and physical health. Working on my well-being has been very fulfilling for me. Seeing the change in myself has been rewarding for me. It has inspired me to do and be better. It lets me know that even though things aren’t where I want them to be, I can make change in my life. How are you dealing with things? Are you grieving people, places, and things? A life that hasn’t materialized yet? Are you doing well? I would love to know how you are handling things.